Wednesday, November 28, 2007
i've read some cool stuff about bipolar and learn more and more about it which is a great relief.
it's not just the high highs and low lows that we all think of.
yes, i have bipolar disorder. i work (sort of), and i put up a good front
i like to talk about it and dismantle the sigma.
but here’s what i want everyone to know. here’s the reality. here’s what happens beneath the armour of the tin (wo)man (yeah, the one that, in the past, had no heart, but is now busting open inside).
it's the most fuckin winding and unpredictable roller coaster that you can imagine
a straight jacket and a wild party all in one
one minute i'm crying, the next witty and charismatic and bopping around in Nia class, and the next angry and belligerent (but i do my very fucking best to keep that locked up inside)
it happens that quickly
moment by moment
i’ve tried to slot myself into a category of “high”, “low” or “mixed” state, but for me, it doesn’t work that way
because it is all happening at once
i don’t care what anyone says, it IS
happening all at once, that is
i’m primed to fight and willing to give in all at the same time
i long to win and fervently beg to lose in the same instant
i fight with myself – having the desire to achieve, people-please and self-destruct all at once
“should i stay or should i go” – it’s a constant battle, and i’m getting tired of watching the tennis match that no one ever wins and no one ever loses
it's tiring trying to level myself out
like when Ii'm sitting across from a client thinking "what are you complaining about?" because i feel like regurgitated oatmeal
and simultaneously i’m fuckin’ chewing myself out because i know better than to compare suffering
our suffering is all valid, no matter what
or when i’m teaching a class with a howdy doody smile plastered on my face
trying desperately to choose joy, i do try, i do
like Lina said “fake it til you make it”
or like when i have to mask my fuckin' raging energy so i don't get myself in trouble
because there are about a ga-zillion times a day when i could easily publicly or socially humiliate myself because of my passions or convictions or anger or downright horror about how the world is these days
i have to say that the auditory and visual illusions are the most disturbing
things you think you hear and see, but know afterwards can't be possible
i know that they can’t be real, but still i see and hear them, i do….
mostly when i'm in this place i feel guilty
that i'm not the over achiever that i used to be
that i'm not as disciplined as i was
that i can't produce and kiss ass like i did before
that i just can’t fucking sort myself out and be normal
jennifer elizabeth hicks was normal once
i swear, she really was.