Stop Giving Me Crap for Christmas

Heard this on 102.1 The Edge....so appropriate!

Fucking hilarious!




You can hear the song here:
http://voyag.blogspot.com/2007/12/bobby-gaylor-stop-giving-me-crap-for.html

Here's the lyrics:

Just when you think you know me
And I give you credit for being on the ball
Christmas rolls around, I open your gift
And I see, you don’t know me at all

So if you don’t listen to anything else
That I say all year long
Pay close attention to this
Because it’s my real holiday wish

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Forget the Clapper, I don’t need to turn my lights off from bed
I don’t want a Chia Dog, a Chia Sheep, a Chia Cow, or a Chia Head
And don’t get some movie on video that’s been marked down to $3.99
You wouldn’t want to watch this piece of junk, why do you think I want to waste my time?
Now here’s something that cuts me to the bone:
You order a subscription to Sports Illustrated,
You keep the magazine and give me the stupid football phone.
And I don’t need Abs of Steel,
Buns of Steel,
Richard Simmons’ Deal-a-Meal
Or absolutely anything made by Ron Popeil

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

I don’t need a radar detector, a compass, or a dashboard Jesus
Or my intestines bound up by a box of Hickory Farm Cheeses
I don’t need the Showtime Oven that cooks, like, 2 ducks, 12 garlic bulbs, and a turkey
Or a food dehydrator if it dries fruit or beef jerky
And please, no wall-mounted or counter-top spice racks
Or the Ab Roller, Ab Slide, Ab Rocker, Ab Dolly or the Torso Track
No calendars featuring supermodel bimbos or babies in hats
And no Christmas music by the Jingle Dogs or the Jingle Cats
And ask me my size.
I’m tying my shirt so my fingers don’t even poke out of the sleeves
And hey, isn’t this the fruitcake Uncle Mike gave you last Christmas Eve?
And if you’re even remotely thinking about getting me that singing, joke-telling, wall-mounted bass,
Just remember what that rhymes with, because that’s where I’m gonna stick it.

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Alright, listen up.
I don’t want anything proceeded by the word “decroative,”
Anything that comes with a stuffed bear or a troll doll that says “I love you.”
No electronic devices that, when you push a button, say things like “Hey stupid!” or “Up yours!”
I don’t want a pasta maker, a bread maker, a juice maker, a waffle maker, sandwich maker, salad maker, label maker, be a maker, wine maker,
Sausage maker, ice cream maker, pastry maker, salsa maker, coffee maker, sun tea maker
If I want that stuff, I’ll buy it
I don’t want anything that chops, beats, grinds, purees, minces, or slices
Cubes, shreds, blends, seperates, juliens, or dices
No 2-gallon bottles of generic shampoo “Now with 10% More!”
And nothing advertized with the slogan “Not available in any store!”
You know, they say it’s the thought that counts,
So instead of making me cringe every year with what you bought,
Let’s call it even forever and stop at the thought.

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Forget about the one-pount Hershey Kiss or the big pack of Life Savers,
And no smoked almonds in a dozen obscene artificial flavors,
I don’t want a subscription to “Fielder’s Dreams,” “Sailing,” or “Understanding Zen,”
And I stopped wearing pajamas when I was ten
And if you’re thinking of anything from an infomercial by Tony Robbins, Body by Jake, Don Debris, Mary Lou Harris, Susanna Summers or Billy Blanks
I got two words for you: “No thanks!”
Here’s something not to get me:
A coffee mug with a slogan that says something like,
“Don’t talk to Bobby, he hasn’t had his coffee yet.”
You’re an idiot!

(Repeat chorus until end)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

The Holidays and How I Feel

Each time I mention my disdain for the holidays I get the same reaction.
Sympathy.
Like instead of hearing me say "Christmas is not something I actively celebrate",
everyone hears "my grandmother died".

I wonder why? Have I crushed the collective merry spirit by honouring my opinion?



There is so much that feels "forced" at this time of year.
People pleasing, crowd following, competitive cheer.
Compulsory joy, enforced excess.

There are many unnecessarily wasteful and over-the-top practices that we seem to engage in "just because". "Just because" what? Tradition, pressure, insecurity?

Over the years, I've been taking steps back from the whole season and just looking at it. Observing and questioning.

Many of our "traditional" practices result in environmental harm (via carbon and emission producing) and psychological distress (guilt, frustration, feelings of inadequacy).

How?

- we increase greenhouse emissions with flashy Christmas lights everywhere
- we waste paper & money buying and sending cards (which many of us do just for the sake of it)
- we cut down our trees, killing our oxygen producing cohabitants
- we buy the "latest" ornaments to hang on our trees
- we are victims of consumerism and are conditioned to compete to buy the "best" gifts
- we become greedy and look to material items for happiness
- we eat too much
- we drink too much






No, I am not the Grinch.
I just think that this is such an artificial celebration.

The Goo Goo Dolls say it pretty well:

and you ask me what i want this year
and i'll try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find

better days

cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love
and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find
better days

....and some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

Thinking about Kwanzaa kind of relieves some of the angst. Kwanzaa is an African American and Pan-African holiday which celebrates family, community and culture. Celebrated from 26 December thru 1 January, its origins are in the first harvest celebrations of Africa from which it takes its name. The name Kwanzaa is derived from the phrase "matunda ya kwanza" which means "first fruits" in Swahili, a Pan-African language which is the most widely spoken African language.

Kwanzaa was created to introduce and reinforce seven basic values of African culture which contribute to building and reinforcing family, community and culture among African American people as well as Africans throughout the world African community. These values are called the Nguzo Saba which in Swahili means the Seven Principles.

NGUZO SABA
(The Seven Principles)

Umoja (Unity)
To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)
To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)
To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)
To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Nia (Purpose)
To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba (Creativity)
To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani (Faith)
To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

Dr. Maulana Karenga


These are some sensible core values. I could take these ones on in a serious way.

Even though I'm not African (at least in this lifetime), I'm sure I was at some point. So technically I could take this celebration on as one of my own, right?

It's kinda like how you don't need to be a "Christian" to celebrate Christmas - you just have to buy lots of stuff and decorate your house and create a huge carbon footprint by doing so.....

Sunday Scribblings #31 - Holiday Memories

I'm really having a hard time making people understand.
Getting them to see why I feel as I do about the holidays.

It's not that I didn't have everything I needed growing up,
or that "Santa" didn't bring me what I wanted.

There were many Christmas traditions - baking and decorating cookies
(and then stealing them from the freezer before they were delivered!),
watching the Santa Claus Parade on TV,
skating,
having my picture taken with Santa Claus
decorating the tree,
receiving cards in the mail,
Toblerones at Swiss Chalet,
visiting my grandparents and relatives,
Frosty the snowman on TV,
performing in Christmas plays at church.

I'm not complaining about my past.

I'm simply talking about the present.
And in the present, the whole Christmas thing doesn't work for me
(for the reasons mentioned in my previous post)

That's it.
So I do have good memories about the holidays.
I just don't really have room for the artificial and
guilt laden "traditions" that seem to be part of the holidays at this point in my life.


Remember this TV show? That's a good memory....

It might seem that I'm making things more complicated than they need to be.
From where I I sit, I'm just living my truth.
You know why?
I feel more honest when I am living in a transparent way,
not hiding my thoughts and feelings,
not pretending.

Perhaps it seems strange that I wouldn't follow the crowd,
that I would follow my own instincts for happiness.

I have learned from many a strong and wild woman that this indeed is not odd.
A difficult way of living, yes, but honourable.

Take Jungian analyst and cantadora storyteller Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés,
author of number 1 New York Times best-seller,
Women Who Run with the Wolves (Ballantine Books, 1992).

In an online article in Radiance Magazine (by Isabella Wylde), Pinkola Estés talks about living with integrity.

She explains how our egos interfere with our instinctual nature by convincing us of false paths.

"We take a job we hate for the money we love,
think that if we just do something,
that somehow life will be made miraculously better (i.e., buy gifts, act happy, eat turkey - my words, italics and bolding ).
That's the kind of out-of-boundary that most people struggle with".

Pinkola Estés goes on to say that

"If you don't have a sense of the instinctual nature,
then sometimes you are outside of your own cycles rather than in them".

"The cycles are birth, light, and energy, and then depletion, decline, and death.
Then incubation and new life comes. Cycles, that is how we are supposed to meet everything," she emphasized.
"Our children, our work, our lovers - everything goes through that cycle. There is the time to say that is enough, to incubate, and then to come back with new energy and new life again.

"And when a woman is in that mystical and practical sensibility called the instinctual nature,
then she knows when it is time to make things live and time to let things die", she says.

So, maybe this whole rejection-of-christmas-thing is part of a huge cycle.
Like my moods and menstrual cycles and the moon and sun and seasons and planetary elements.
And it's up to me to judge when it's time to let that tradition
incubate
or live
or die
or come into rebirth.

Not to jump on the holiday celebration bandwagon is to risk
being considered a "scrooge", "grumpy" or
a million other
judgmental labels.
But fortunately I've learned not be
concerned about
what others think.
I had to let go of people-pleasing to preserve myself a few years back.

Pinkola Estés affirms this for me when she says

"The injunction in our culture is to 'be perfect,' which is ridiculous, impossible, and not only that - it is boring!
Perfection means that you have to be totally still, that nothing can ever change.
To live that way would be disastrous."

I love moving
I hate being totally still
I hate consistency - it's the last refuge of the unimaginative (Oscar Wilde)

A few final words of advice from Pinkola Estés:

1) Be friendly but never tame.
2) Misbehave with integrity.
3) Don't let the bastards grind you down!


Rock on sister.

Thoughts on Christmas

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. Maybe for everyone else, but not for this conscious questioning chick.

How do I feel about the holidays? I feel a sense of obligation chased by a sense of failure. There’s this urgency to comply that brings on rebellion and hopelessness.

There is no other time of the year when I feel forced into feeling or behaving a certain way. Most of the year, I’m able to just be me – to not have to conform to another’s expectations. “The most wonderful time of the year” is mandated, compulsory even, if you care about being mainstream.

At this time of year, it is an official requirement to find pleasure in the tiny lights sucking away our electricity, the Hallmark greetings printed with toxic inks, the death of millions of pine, spruce and balsam trees and the tinsel that causes intestinal distress for innocent cats and dogs.

I’m conflicted. I’m marinating in oodles of moral duty. At the same time, I'm angry at being told what to do. Feeling compelled to comply with this holiday that sets up a system of debt. This holiday where expectations abound. Expectations to give freely, to receive openly, to keep tabs on who did what for who and who owes whom what.

At the same time, I’m bound to refrain, to withhold, to stop feeling sad, despite the reality of my Bipolar Disorder which is magnified by Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Even Santa Claus insists.
“You better not shout,
you better not cry,
you better not pout,
I’m telling you why…”

Even Santa Claus is ready to punish me for my feelings and behaviour.
“You better be good for goodness sake”.

I suppose I should just go along with it, and believe what the songs tell me.

But how can I? Cause here’s the truth.

“All is calm” (only with lithium and copious amounts of self-medicating)
“All is bright” (only with my SAD light).

What’s the consequence for not fulfilling this Christmas contract? Having people think I don’t love them. Suddenly consciousness and having a mind of my own is equated to love.


Happy holidays, I guess.