Hillside 2010

 

This past weekend I attended Hillside for the 3rd year in a row. (My post about my inaugural Hillside experience is here if you're curious!).

I was lucky to be Hillsiding with and around Kate McMurray,  Chris Kay Fraser of Firefly Creative Writing,  Elizabeth Fraser of 52 Projects: A Year from Scratch, the talented singer/songwriter Alex Hickey, my delightfully joyful Nia colleague Sarah Butler, the skilled photographer Alexandra Collas,  Erica Ross of Dance Our Way Home, and Zahra Haji of YogaGoddess.  What a collection of brilliantly creative and spirited women who are offering their gifts to the world!

I was at Hillside to present Nia workshops as I have done now for 3 years.  This year's experience helped me realize that, not only does Hillside offer great music, workshops and a magnificently convivial atmosphere, but it teaches more about who I am right now.

Each year Hillside gives me a marker of where I'm at personally and professionally.

When I started workshopping at Hillside in 2008, I was only a year into my Nia teaching and a year and a half into my life with Bipolar Disorder.

Because I can compare the experience year to year, I can see my personal growth (as I continue to live with Bipolar Disorder), and my professional growth (as I move into my 4th year of teaching Nia).

This, of all the years, was the year I felt deep soul strength. I'm not sure I have the right words, but it was more than "fun" this year. It was more than a feeling of "wow, this is great, these are my people".  On top of all of that, I felt my joy, confidence and power as I taught.  And I 'hillsided' with a similar deep contentment, poise and self-assurance as I participated in workshops, listened to the music and interacted with fellow festival-goers.

Oh, what a feeling.

Now it could be that the people differed, or the weather differed, or the music differed or.....no. I'm pretty certain that  I differ. (Yay for me!)





Oh, and I made a robot at a workshop entitled "Super Happy Fun Robot Time." He's made out of metal/electronic scraps.
He doesn't have a name.
Suggestions?




 

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Nia: Mental Health Through Movement & Music

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The Get Inspired! Project - Interview with Jennifer Hicks

*~* The Get Inspired! Project *~*

by Toni Reece of the PEOPLE Academy, Inc

365 interviews over 365 days with inspiring folks around the world

I was  

ThRiLLEd 

today to learn that my interview was 

#80 on the list...

check it out here

Nia is the biggest part of what inspires me and 

I sure get that point across in my interview!

 

(thanks so much Jamie of Jamie Ridler Studios 

for introducing me to this amazing project!). 

 

Overcoming Mental Illness & Anorexia

Thanks to my dear friend 

Cindy Ashton 

for having me on her 

Monster-Kissing Secrets internet radio show.

It's because of dear souls like Cindy 

that I can passionately tell my tale 

while sharing insights about crawling out of seemingly bottomless pits.

Best part of the whole story is the 

part about how Nia was 
(and still is) 

a major part of my wellness plan.

Listen to the interview here 

Hey, why not be be inspired in print? 

Purchase Cindy's Monster-Kissing book!

Wishcasting #2 - What do you wish to acknowledge yourself for?

Thanks to Jamie for asking me this question for Wishcasting Wednesday.

I acknowledge myself for my stick-to-it-ed-ness (YAY me!).

I think it's genetic and I thank my mom and dad and all my ancestors that contributed to that.

I was afraid for awhile that I'd lose my determination and perseverance when I started taking my medication for Bipolar Disorder. But no, it's still there.

Mind you, I do need to take breaks from the sometimes frenzy-ing and often draining energy that goes into being so persistent. I'm learning to find the balance.

Asking me about my weight....

is NOT okay.

One more time, with feeling:

Asking me about my weight is NOT okay.

Over the past 3 days, I've had at least as many questions about my weight.

I tried to pass the questions off like they don't bother me. I noticed myself avoiding the requisite response that usually follows a yes/no question.

Instead of confirmation or denial, I changed the subject:

"My hair's longer, that's all"

"My medication affects my weight".

But those responses are a reminder that questions about my weight DO still bother me.

I'm reminded that my subconscious still expends quite of bit of energy uselessly thinking about bodies (mine and therefore others) in absolute terms:
too __________,
not __________ enough.

Which makes me realize that even though I have said goodbye to Anorexia, I am still sensitive to comments about appearance. And even though I spread the message about body acceptance through my volunteer work with Sheena's Place, there is still a wee place inside me that needs to really embody that message.

There are days when I struggle with having to take my meds to help manage Bipolar Disorder. The fact that my meds affect my weight does not make them popular with me on those days.

So I have to talk myself out of using the weight gain side effect as an excuse to ditch the pharmaceuticals (which really do help me....it's just that occasionally my bipolar brain tries to convince me otherwise by glamorizing mania and the accompanying weight loss).

My appearance is not who I am, so my weight is quite irrelevant. I am sensational because I ebb and flow and change and evolve.

In summary, Asking me about my weight is NOT okay.
(it actually sets me back a little)



For more information about healing from body image issues or eating disorders, check out Sheena's Place ~ they offered me so much. Also, take a look at the National Eating Disorders Information Centre (NEDIC) website ~ the beautiful picture above comes from them.

Sunday Scribblings # 92 - Healing

Sunday Scribblings is asking me to talk about

Healing.

I can't help it. This is a gift of another opportunity for me to speak about Nia

I recently submitted an article to ParticipACTION. It's this Canadian initiative to motivate Canadians to get active and be healthy. When I was a kid, ParticipACTION made it's way into the classroom. It was hip to be healthy.

In the late 80s and for most of the 90s it wasn't all that cool (or at least publicized) to be fit.

Then a resurgence of ParticipACTION occured a few years back.

And I quickly submitted my fitness/wellness story to the online call. It was about Nia (and a whole lot more). It was rejected at first - a bit too graphic, I suppose. Anorexia and Bipolar Disorder can be that way.

In any case, they eventually accepted an edited version of my wellness & healing saga. See it here:


I still find much healing through Nia
There are days when I don't want to wake up (and I don't!!!), and I don't want to take my meds (sometimes I don't....until Paul catches on to me). But Nia is a big part of my self-regulation plan.

It has given me confidence beyond belief. Take a look at this. See how confident I am now?



Nia. Through movement I found health....

Sunday Scribblings #76 -Late.

Geeezus

In my life before bipolar I was never late.
NEVER.
In fact, always early.
Late.
Now it's common.
It's like a different Jennifer.
A transformation.
Sometimes that's good, other times not so much.
Mostly I attempt to celebrate the newness.
But often I go to berating it.
Breathe.
Just Breathe.

It's complicated.
Living inside this skull of mine.

At some point along the way, timeliness measured sanity.

Late.

Last
At
Telling
Everything

Late.

Longing
And
Tempting
Evil





Late.

Lattes
Attempt
To
Eradicate

Late.

Lust
Alters
Time
Everywhere

Late.

Fashionable.
Explainable.

Late.


Never before Bipolar Disorder was I

Late.

Sunday Scribblings #64- Miracle

Miracle (by Olive)


This is not an original post. Instead I share with you these beautiful lyrics which form the basis for a Nia routine entitled "Miracle". Do they tempt you to find out more about Nia?


Deeper than deeper was my love for you
Sweeter than sweeter joy
Hoping that everyday
You can go your way
I cannot hold you down

Turning the situation ‘round a little more
Making it look like things are just fine
You can go your way
I shudder to think these words were mine

Touching a place that makes it a love thing
Straight to the face
One way love would be a miracle
Touching a place that makes it a love thing
Straight to the face at any rate
One way love would be a miracle

Dreamily passing by
The words sort of come and go
Wasting the time of day
I don’t know…
Don’t you smile that way
Smiling is all I’ve got left for you

You can go your way
You can go your way

Touching a place that makes it a love thing
Straight to the face
One way love would be a miracle
Touching a place that makes it a love thing
Straight to the face at any rate
One way love would be a miracle

One way love would be a miracle


The real miracle part of the whole thing is that i am here to make this post. This week, I had 2 separate publications printed which talked about my relationship to Nia and Bipolar Disorder.
They are here and here.

Thank goodness for inner wisdom!

Sunday Scribblings #60 - Do I have to?

Do I have to believe everything I hear?

Nope. I have this nifty thing called a "Jenn filter" that helps me examine the messages surrounding me using my own divine wisdom. Try it! It's pretty awesome to let your body, mind, spirit and emotions tell you what's right for you!

Do I have to understand everything about the past?

Hmmm. No, not really. Sometimes I'd really like to. I have this inherent desire to live in a tidy and linear world filled with formulas like

if A then B

As in: if I am skinny, then I am happy.

OR

If and only if (IFF):

a logical connective between statements which means that the truth of either one of the statements requires the truth of the other. Thus, either both statements are true, or both are false.

So, for example ,

IFF X = my dad was around, Y= I would have not ended up with Bipolar Disorder.

In that case, X is necessary and sufficient for Y, and Y is equivalent to X.

Well, not quite. Those are examples of unrealistic "all or nothing" thinking. And I've given up on that...it really distorts my world and typically takes me on a downward spiral.

Do I have to withhold my truth?

Not sure. But I've decided not to. That means I don't spend time with people who are poisonous playmates, and I honour my right to be respected.

Do I have to take it one small step at a time?

Um, yeah, usually. You know that they say in order to achieve behaviour change, we have to practice a new skill on average about 20 times for it to become imprinted. It's all about making realistic expectations of ourselves and looking for the smallest thing to alter that could have the biggest impact.

Do I have to try new things?

Not necessarily, but I want to. Like right now I'm taking a short fiction writing course with my dear friend Chris Kay Fraser, who offers tonnes of writing courses. It's really stretching me. I have to create someone who I'm afraid of because I don't know him, and I don't know his world. It's really stretching me, but the challenge is a good one.

Do I have to like something coz everyone else does?

Not at all. The fun of being me is that I get to explore all kinds of things....music, books, coffee shops, clothing stores, jewelery, people, etc. And I don't have to like them all. I don't have to like any of them. I get to choose what makes me happy!

Sunday Scribblings #56 - Chance Encounter

Is there really such a thing as a chance encounter?

When I think seriously about it, I'm not sure that chance encounters truly exist.

There are a ga-jillion concepts related to the idea of chance encounters: unexpected events, luck, accidents, coincidence, etc. But really, I don't think that anything that happens is truly "out of the blue".

To me, concepts like fate, destiny, karma, serendipity, providence, synchronicity, and kismet are much more likely.

They suggest that there is something behind what happens in our lives. And there is a lot of truth in that for me. On the one hand, I believe that something bigger, something much more magnificent is more responsible for my life-script than I am.

Believing that means I'm surrendering to what Doris Day so brilliantly reminded us in her catchy/kitchy tune "Que sera, sera". She had a good point.

So call it chance, or likelihood, or probability, or whatever other statistical term you're familiar with, but this force that causes events to happen is just that - an energetic influence.

Was it chance that I experienced a brush with MS at the age of 20 that paralyzed the left side of my body and landed me in the hospital? No. Because that opened the door to a beautiful relationship with Paul, who has been my loving and caring husband for the last 5 years. That was part of something bigger and better than where I was at previously.

Was it just a coincidence that I was asked to take a mental health leave from my work at the Aphasia Institute in the fall of 2005? Nope. That led me to India, which led me to healing, and opened the door to a new life, one including Nia.

I could go on, but maybe you get the point?

I met a very wise woman when I was quite ill and managing the effects of Bipolar Disorder and Anorexia. Her name was L _ _ _ _ _ , and she and I attend a support group through the Mood Disorders Association of Ontario at Our Sister's Place.

When L _ _ _ _ _ _ became ill, she told her teenaged children that she was now releasing them to the universe to take care of them. She had faith that the universe was capable. And it was. And it is.

So, on the one hand, I'm saying there's something beyond just me. I like the idea that I am looked after by the universe. That's a beautiful concept that rests well within me.

On the other hand, I also think that I play a role in what happens to a certain extent. Not that I control what will happen, that's beyond me. More so that if I am living in a place of acceptance, I will be guided to what I need.

So here's what I'm working with these days. If I look closely enough, keep my eyes and ears open, talk to people, put myself in the right places, and live life with a readiness and openness to opportunity, it's all there. Everything I need is all there. And no way is anything just by accident.

A dear dear friend Andrea reminded me yesterday that events in our lives happen to teach us lessons. To inform us of our own power.

I'm beginning to see that what happens to me is simply moving me closer and closer to my own divinity.

Follow up to "Poem in Your Pocket" Day

So, as I mentioned yesterday, today was "Poem in Your Pocket Day".

It was great for me, was it great for you?

I was lucky enough to have 2 poems put into my pocket. Gawd, I'm so fortunate. Who are these lovely beings that I have attracted into my life?

The first one was from Paul. This morning, as I was doing my apres Breakfast Television "how-can-I-possibly-survive-the-day-without-falling-asleep-on-the-couch-in-the-sun" drama routine, he slipped me a little poem-for-my-pocket.

I read it while waking up to my Jet Fuel.

I shared it with my Nia at noon class today - not once, but twice. Why? Because it was my poem. And I loved that it was in my pocket all day. So, I don't think he'll mind if I shout it out:

"In your own sweet way,
You make the world go 'round.
As you go about each day,
You touch a new person in some way.
The simplicity of it all,
makes me stop to think;
What a beautiful person you are,
And how lucky I am to be yours!"


Awwwwww!


Even more awwww was Andrea, who after the Nia demo class at her condo tonight, toured me around her place, showed me who she was, and honoured me by having read my blog today and giving me this beautiful poem-for-my-pocket tomorrow (because tomorrow is boxing day poem-in-my-pocket day!):

"R-e-a-c-h in & pull out;
this mirror of your LIGHT
when U R feeling dark,

This little strip of your essence:
positive radiant Energy
as a remind UR not your thoughts
whenever negative ones flood your mind,

this ticket to freedom
upon finding yourself in a trap

this smile,
when u aren't feeling' so cherrio

this seed of light
when U need inspiration,

this star
symbol of your Divine self
when U lose the connection."


How fortunate am I...


This week started off R*O*U*G*H*. Inexplicably I felt really deep-rest (how I want to think of being depressed because what it really signals is that I've gone too far). I think I've been riding a bit of a high lately, and I need to be careful with that, because even though I think the drugs have got this bipolar thing licked, I'm really fooling myself if I don't practice self-awareness.

CBC News In Depth

I had an interesting chat with a yoga teacher colleague of mine as the winter started to creep in upon us this year. Sarah was telling me how much her Litebook helped her manage the winter months. I checked out what she had written on her blog about it, but couldn't help remembering that my Litebook had actually caused me to become hypomanic in the past.

A few weeks later, Sarah put me in touch with April Scott-Clarke, a writer for CBC news online. April was writing an article about SAD, and wanted to hear my point of view about treatment. I'm afraid I wasn't all that positive about the use of the Litebook, yet I told her lots of other stuff about my coping mechanisms - for example, Nia, good friends and lots of therapy! If you'd like to read the article, take a look here. There are also some really good links on the right hand side bar about various other mental health issues.

Sunday Scribblings #39 - Sleep

What kind of a relationship do I have with sleep?
Here's the story...

I am living with a drug-induced sleep disorder. An anti-depressant I'm taking to manage my bipolar disorder has the lovely side effect of inducing Periodic Limb Movement Disorder or PLMD in sleep-ology language.

Although it sounds all pathological and everything, it's actually quite an amusing problem to have. As the name suggests, during the night I experience what everyone commonly knows as "twitches". Whereas it is normal to have approximately 5 of these twitches per hour, I experience up to 20 per hour. This frequency of movement was painstakingly recorded by a poor sleep lab technician who had to watch a full 8 hours of me sleeping while monitoring my neurological activity, my O2 saturation levels and my heart-rate (can you imagine a more dull job?!)

Actually, it's not me who experiences these shudders of physical activity. I myself am not aware of them, for I am sleeping! However, my husband is acutely aware of them. He tells me that, at times, it's as if he is is sleeping in a vibrating bed. You know those old beds in dirty motel rooms where you put 25 or 50 cents in and you feel like you are in the middle of an earthquake? The ones that are oddly disturbing yet fascinating? That make you question whether you are having a seizure or not? Like that. At that rate, I figure I must be ramping up to a pretty tight frequency of vibration during those times - like maybe in the 1000-1500 Hz range? My body would make a pretty fine tuning fork if I could harness that buzzing at will!

It's odd, isn't it, that I would not know that this is happening to me? Essentially these jolting movements are shocking me out of deep sleep, and so I don't really ever wake up feeling refreshed. I guess, then, that the daytime sleepiness is what's the most bothersome.

What is rather interesting, though, is that, while I'm sleeping, I find myself incorporating these spastic movements into whatever physical activity I'm currently practicing. This translates (in my mind) into a kind of physically active dream. Yet it's more than a dream, because I know I am moving, and seem to be consciously creating the movements. Hard to accurately verbalize, but that's the experience.

So, for example:

~ When I studied Speech-Language Pathology, we studied an oral-motor stimulation technique. It involved me (the therapist) to use my hands to guide the movements of a person's lips, tongue or jaw. Many a night I twitched my way closer to my husband who was the recipient of some pro bono oral-motor therapy!

~ More recently, as I immersed myself in the study of Nia, my jerk-y movements were transformed (in my mind) into beautiful sequences of cha-cha-chas, blocks, chops and jazz squares.

~ And this week, while I study at the Himalayan Iyengar Yoga Center in beautiful Arambol, Goa, India, I feel those convulsive-like movements charging my toes to become straight, my toe mounds and heels to push down and my spine to align!

So does it surprise you that my husband and I can no longer sleep in the same bed?! Since we decided this was the route to go, he has enjoyed a greatly improved quality of sleep and has greatly reduced his chance of injury (an inadvertant kick, or punch) while sleeping!

Sleep...a strange and wonderful phenomenon!

India - Third Post

Still in Arambol, and am soaking the heat into my bones to take with me back to Canada. I will not complain about the fact that I am constantly sweating, that my hair is frizzy-curly-out-of-control, or that I am radiating heat from my body. No, I will just drink more water, cool myself in the Arabian Sea and savour it. I'm feeling India take over now leavng me nice and mellow (or "shanti, shanti" ~ "peace, peace" as they say here).

I'm enjoying the yoga. We have daily 3 hour classes, but the instruction and detail is quite clear and reinforces so much about my Nia practice. The more I heard from our teacher, the more deep respect I felt for Debbie Rosas and Carlos Rosas, the founders of Nia, as they have managed to integrate so much wisdom in the practice. If I didn't think I needed to use the heel lead before this week, I'm truly convinced of it now!





This is me in wheel pose!





I've met some pretty cool people who are taking yoga for the first time. One guy, Kenneth, let me take a picture of his tattoo which was most inspiring, given his story (he also has bipolar disorder)!


We (Trixie, Tserring and Giovanna - my travel companions - and I) were at the Arjuna market on Wednesday. It's a big western/Indian market about 40 minutes from Arambol. Jose (a spanish version of Robin Williams who is also taking the yoga course we're in) joined us and kept us laughing throughout the day.

This time, I really reigned myself in on the shopping. I decided it makes no sense to spend $ on things I will only wear here, and things that will have a short life-span due to the cheap quality of the goods.

From Arjuna we went across the beach to Baja where we went para-sailing. Floating high above the sea was special, but the ride was quite short. Nonetheless, it was fun, and a British tourist told me I looked like Sigourney Weaver on the way back - maybe she was a little drunk, or was enjoying the chillum (hash) a little too much!!

Yesterday we went to the capital of Goa(Panjim) as well as Old Goa. It's about 1 hour away from Arambol. There was nothing much really interesting for me there - just some churches (christianity is big here) and an archeological museum. I went in the museum, but sat outside for the church. The organized religion thing is still not something I enjoy - I feel like a hypocrite patronizing such holy places, actually. I feel the respect, don't get me wrong. It's just that I feel I'm giving up a bit of my own divinity and truthfulness to myself even just by being there.

The moment I sat down on the bench outside the church to read my Lonely Planet, packs of young Indian men migrated towards me to have their picture taken with this foreigner. All they would have gotten was the top of my head as I was reading. One after one they sat down, just far enough away that I potentially might not see them, but close enough to get us both in the shot. There were even 2 men standing about 5 feet in front of me with a space between them - so I was in the shot, in the middle, but in the background. I find this highly amusing, and am reflecting on this as I type with a huge goofy on-the-verge-of-giggling grin. Even more bizarre to me is that they wouldn't ask me to pose - instead they chose to have their picture taken with the top of my head!

We saw a rather scary car crash while we were eating our lunch yesterday though. A bus ploughed into the driver's side (right side) of a small 4 door Tata car. The car was mangled but luckily no one was (visibly) hurt. It was the bus driver's fault, but of course he jumped off the bus and started yelling at the driver driver of the car. A big crowd of "witnesses" and many nosy people gathered, and the police eventually came (within about 20 minutes or so - pretty good by Indian standards). I was surprised that they seemed to be taking the whole thing quite seriously - they cleared away the Tata and then were measuring the intersection where it happened and were taking notes/filling out a report. What will happen to that report is another story....it might just collect dust on someone's desk or be "lost" if insurance is involved. It was a scary sight.

We went on a sunset cruise from Panjim, forgetting it was Valentine's day. We were all driven a little squirrly by the Goan Trace beats pumping loudly through the speakers, but made light of it, enjoying the "local flavour" of our adventure. The DJ invited couples up to dance (Trixie refused to be part of a "couple" with me!), and then the men, followed by the women. What a sight. The men were bumping and grinding (mucho pelvis action!), and were generally a pretty tight and large crowd. The women were few and far between. Quite the opposite in Canada, unless, of course you're in a gay bar. Difference is, men in gay bars can actually dance, men here in Goa were attempting very awkward Bollywood dance moves. I enjoyed watching their creativity, though, and got a snap....


When we left Panjim, it was dark and our driver was narrowly missing everything he passed. After a few gasps, Trixie said "hey, we're in no rush here" and he slowed down. I have been sitting in the front seat for our excursions, so it is even more frightening to see the close encounters within such close proximity.

I'll sign off now...there's already been one power outage while I have been here. Apparently there's a problem with a submerged cable somewhere which is responsible for the frequent power interruptions?!

My monster

I recently came across this piece that
I wrote in August 2004. It describes the demon that I characterized
as my eating disorder at the time. To go with this piece, I created a mascot.
One that represented my physical enemy, one that wore worn out running shoes,
had thick thighs and was an evil person. I now realize that this was also the voice
of my bipolar disorder.
My, how far I've come...

My Monster



Lives inside
Is so stubborn
Is ego centric and “better” than anyone
Brings deep despair
Chatters ALL the time
Makes me dizzy
Tells me things that aren’t true
Does not always make sense
Tells me I’m not good enough
Tells me my body should look a certain way
…that I have elephant thighs and a baboon butt
Makes me believe I need to plan everything
…what I eat, what I do, what I say
Doesn’t let me stop
Makes me weak and tired
Tells me what I can eat
Forces me to be perfect
Makes me punish myself when I’m not
Eats away at my soul
Scares me
NEEDS TO FUCK OFF

What it's like to have bipolar disorder

i've read some cool stuff about bipolar and learn more and more about it which is a great relief.

it's not just the high highs and low lows that we all think of.

yes, i have bipolar disorder. i work (sort of), and i put up a good front
i like to talk about it and dismantle the sigma.

but here’s what i want everyone to know. here’s the reality. here’s what happens beneath the armour of the tin (wo)man (yeah, the one that, in the past, had no heart, but is now busting open inside).

Bipolar. Disorder.

it's the most fuckin winding and unpredictable roller coaster that you can imagine
a straight jacket and a wild party all in one

one minute i'm crying, the next witty and charismatic and bopping around in Nia class, and the next angry and belligerent (but i do my very fucking best to keep that locked up inside)

it happens that quickly
moment by moment

i’ve tried to slot myself into a category of “high”, “low” or “mixed” state, but for me, it doesn’t work that way
because it is all happening at once
i don’t care what anyone says, it IS
happening all at once, that is

i’m primed to fight and willing to give in all at the same time
i long to win and fervently beg to lose in the same instant
i fight with myself – having the desire to achieve, people-please and self-destruct all at once
“should i stay or should i go” – it’s a constant battle, and i’m getting tired of watching the tennis match that no one ever wins and no one ever loses

it's tiring trying to level myself out

like when Ii'm sitting across from a client thinking "what are you complaining about?" because i feel like regurgitated oatmeal
and simultaneously i’m fuckin’ chewing myself out because i know better than to compare suffering
our suffering is all valid, no matter what

or when i’m teaching a class with a howdy doody smile plastered on my face
trying desperately to choose joy, i do try, i do
like Lina said “fake it til you make it”

or like when i have to mask my fuckin' raging energy so i don't get myself in trouble
because there are about a ga-zillion times a day when i could easily publicly or socially humiliate myself because of my passions or convictions or anger or downright horror about how the world is these days

i have to say that the auditory and visual illusions are the most disturbing
things you think you hear and see, but know afterwards can't be possible
i know that they can’t be real, but still i see and hear them, i do….

mostly when i'm in this place i feel guilty
that i'm not the over achiever that i used to be
that i'm not as disciplined as i was
that i can't produce and kiss ass like i did before
that i just can’t fucking sort myself out and be normal
jennifer elizabeth hicks was normal once
i swear, she really was.