Stop Giving Me Crap for Christmas

Heard this on 102.1 The Edge....so appropriate!

Fucking hilarious!




You can hear the song here:
http://voyag.blogspot.com/2007/12/bobby-gaylor-stop-giving-me-crap-for.html

Here's the lyrics:

Just when you think you know me
And I give you credit for being on the ball
Christmas rolls around, I open your gift
And I see, you don’t know me at all

So if you don’t listen to anything else
That I say all year long
Pay close attention to this
Because it’s my real holiday wish

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Forget the Clapper, I don’t need to turn my lights off from bed
I don’t want a Chia Dog, a Chia Sheep, a Chia Cow, or a Chia Head
And don’t get some movie on video that’s been marked down to $3.99
You wouldn’t want to watch this piece of junk, why do you think I want to waste my time?
Now here’s something that cuts me to the bone:
You order a subscription to Sports Illustrated,
You keep the magazine and give me the stupid football phone.
And I don’t need Abs of Steel,
Buns of Steel,
Richard Simmons’ Deal-a-Meal
Or absolutely anything made by Ron Popeil

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

I don’t need a radar detector, a compass, or a dashboard Jesus
Or my intestines bound up by a box of Hickory Farm Cheeses
I don’t need the Showtime Oven that cooks, like, 2 ducks, 12 garlic bulbs, and a turkey
Or a food dehydrator if it dries fruit or beef jerky
And please, no wall-mounted or counter-top spice racks
Or the Ab Roller, Ab Slide, Ab Rocker, Ab Dolly or the Torso Track
No calendars featuring supermodel bimbos or babies in hats
And no Christmas music by the Jingle Dogs or the Jingle Cats
And ask me my size.
I’m tying my shirt so my fingers don’t even poke out of the sleeves
And hey, isn’t this the fruitcake Uncle Mike gave you last Christmas Eve?
And if you’re even remotely thinking about getting me that singing, joke-telling, wall-mounted bass,
Just remember what that rhymes with, because that’s where I’m gonna stick it.

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Alright, listen up.
I don’t want anything proceeded by the word “decroative,”
Anything that comes with a stuffed bear or a troll doll that says “I love you.”
No electronic devices that, when you push a button, say things like “Hey stupid!” or “Up yours!”
I don’t want a pasta maker, a bread maker, a juice maker, a waffle maker, sandwich maker, salad maker, label maker, be a maker, wine maker,
Sausage maker, ice cream maker, pastry maker, salsa maker, coffee maker, sun tea maker
If I want that stuff, I’ll buy it
I don’t want anything that chops, beats, grinds, purees, minces, or slices
Cubes, shreds, blends, seperates, juliens, or dices
No 2-gallon bottles of generic shampoo “Now with 10% More!”
And nothing advertized with the slogan “Not available in any store!”
You know, they say it’s the thought that counts,
So instead of making me cringe every year with what you bought,
Let’s call it even forever and stop at the thought.

STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Chorus)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

Forget about the one-pount Hershey Kiss or the big pack of Life Savers,
And no smoked almonds in a dozen obscene artificial flavors,
I don’t want a subscription to “Fielder’s Dreams,” “Sailing,” or “Understanding Zen,”
And I stopped wearing pajamas when I was ten
And if you’re thinking of anything from an infomercial by Tony Robbins, Body by Jake, Don Debris, Mary Lou Harris, Susanna Summers or Billy Blanks
I got two words for you: “No thanks!”
Here’s something not to get me:
A coffee mug with a slogan that says something like,
“Don’t talk to Bobby, he hasn’t had his coffee yet.”
You’re an idiot!

(Repeat chorus until end)
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
USELESS CRAP!
STOP GIVING ME CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!

The Holidays and How I Feel

Each time I mention my disdain for the holidays I get the same reaction.
Sympathy.
Like instead of hearing me say "Christmas is not something I actively celebrate",
everyone hears "my grandmother died".

I wonder why? Have I crushed the collective merry spirit by honouring my opinion?



There is so much that feels "forced" at this time of year.
People pleasing, crowd following, competitive cheer.
Compulsory joy, enforced excess.

There are many unnecessarily wasteful and over-the-top practices that we seem to engage in "just because". "Just because" what? Tradition, pressure, insecurity?

Over the years, I've been taking steps back from the whole season and just looking at it. Observing and questioning.

Many of our "traditional" practices result in environmental harm (via carbon and emission producing) and psychological distress (guilt, frustration, feelings of inadequacy).

How?

- we increase greenhouse emissions with flashy Christmas lights everywhere
- we waste paper & money buying and sending cards (which many of us do just for the sake of it)
- we cut down our trees, killing our oxygen producing cohabitants
- we buy the "latest" ornaments to hang on our trees
- we are victims of consumerism and are conditioned to compete to buy the "best" gifts
- we become greedy and look to material items for happiness
- we eat too much
- we drink too much






No, I am not the Grinch.
I just think that this is such an artificial celebration.

The Goo Goo Dolls say it pretty well:

and you ask me what i want this year
and i'll try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find

better days

cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love
and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find
better days

....and some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

Thinking about Kwanzaa kind of relieves some of the angst. Kwanzaa is an African American and Pan-African holiday which celebrates family, community and culture. Celebrated from 26 December thru 1 January, its origins are in the first harvest celebrations of Africa from which it takes its name. The name Kwanzaa is derived from the phrase "matunda ya kwanza" which means "first fruits" in Swahili, a Pan-African language which is the most widely spoken African language.

Kwanzaa was created to introduce and reinforce seven basic values of African culture which contribute to building and reinforcing family, community and culture among African American people as well as Africans throughout the world African community. These values are called the Nguzo Saba which in Swahili means the Seven Principles.

NGUZO SABA
(The Seven Principles)

Umoja (Unity)
To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)
To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)
To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)
To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Nia (Purpose)
To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba (Creativity)
To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani (Faith)
To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

Dr. Maulana Karenga


These are some sensible core values. I could take these ones on in a serious way.

Even though I'm not African (at least in this lifetime), I'm sure I was at some point. So technically I could take this celebration on as one of my own, right?

It's kinda like how you don't need to be a "Christian" to celebrate Christmas - you just have to buy lots of stuff and decorate your house and create a huge carbon footprint by doing so.....

Sunday Scribblings #76 -Late.

Geeezus

In my life before bipolar I was never late.
NEVER.
In fact, always early.
Late.
Now it's common.
It's like a different Jennifer.
A transformation.
Sometimes that's good, other times not so much.
Mostly I attempt to celebrate the newness.
But often I go to berating it.
Breathe.
Just Breathe.

It's complicated.
Living inside this skull of mine.

At some point along the way, timeliness measured sanity.

Late.

Last
At
Telling
Everything

Late.

Longing
And
Tempting
Evil





Late.

Lattes
Attempt
To
Eradicate

Late.

Lust
Alters
Time
Everywhere

Late.

Fashionable.
Explainable.

Late.


Never before Bipolar Disorder was I

Late.

Sunday Scribblings #75 -I knew instantly...

When I saw the porch light on, I knew instantly that my house would be filled-to-the-brim with rose petals.

As I approached the bank teller, I knew instantly, from his smile, that he was going to rob his own bank.

When I saw them laughing, I knew instantly that it meant that they had lost their jobs.

Picking up that penny, I knew instantly that my hair would spark a fire.

After wiping out on my bike, I knew instantly that elephants would take me back to Africa.

I knew instantly you'd think I was CCCRRRRAAAZZYYYYYYYY when you read this!