Sunday Scribblings #32 -Now and Then

( a little scotch-tape art for your amusement)

Context: normally I write my scribblings in Toronto, at a coffee joint called The Jet Fuel where I spend way too much of my time (and hence call it "my office"). I usually write it before I teach my Sunday Nia class. Today I'm scibbling in Seattle. Different vibe altogether!)


Now I am sitting in a marble lobby which is pretending to be upscale yet offers $66/night rooms in downtown Seattle.
Then I was writing from Cabbagetown in at "my office" listening to Dr. John singing "Mess around".

Now I have a belly full of a grainy black-bean veggie burger and Pale Ale from Pike's Pub and Brewery.
Then I was hopped up on $3 lattes (which, I PROMISE you, are the best in Toronto).

Now I am going to bed early to go snowshoeing at the summit of Snoqualmie in Washington State tomorrow.
Then I was waking my muse to teach class at the Union.

Now I am eavesdropping.
Then I was introspective.

Now I am finishing.
Then I was continuing.

Sunday Scribblings #31 - Holiday Memories

I'm really having a hard time making people understand.
Getting them to see why I feel as I do about the holidays.

It's not that I didn't have everything I needed growing up,
or that "Santa" didn't bring me what I wanted.

There were many Christmas traditions - baking and decorating cookies
(and then stealing them from the freezer before they were delivered!),
watching the Santa Claus Parade on TV,
skating,
having my picture taken with Santa Claus
decorating the tree,
receiving cards in the mail,
Toblerones at Swiss Chalet,
visiting my grandparents and relatives,
Frosty the snowman on TV,
performing in Christmas plays at church.

I'm not complaining about my past.

I'm simply talking about the present.
And in the present, the whole Christmas thing doesn't work for me
(for the reasons mentioned in my previous post)

That's it.
So I do have good memories about the holidays.
I just don't really have room for the artificial and
guilt laden "traditions" that seem to be part of the holidays at this point in my life.


Remember this TV show? That's a good memory....

It might seem that I'm making things more complicated than they need to be.
From where I I sit, I'm just living my truth.
You know why?
I feel more honest when I am living in a transparent way,
not hiding my thoughts and feelings,
not pretending.

Perhaps it seems strange that I wouldn't follow the crowd,
that I would follow my own instincts for happiness.

I have learned from many a strong and wild woman that this indeed is not odd.
A difficult way of living, yes, but honourable.

Take Jungian analyst and cantadora storyteller Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés,
author of number 1 New York Times best-seller,
Women Who Run with the Wolves (Ballantine Books, 1992).

In an online article in Radiance Magazine (by Isabella Wylde), Pinkola Estés talks about living with integrity.

She explains how our egos interfere with our instinctual nature by convincing us of false paths.

"We take a job we hate for the money we love,
think that if we just do something,
that somehow life will be made miraculously better (i.e., buy gifts, act happy, eat turkey - my words, italics and bolding ).
That's the kind of out-of-boundary that most people struggle with".

Pinkola Estés goes on to say that

"If you don't have a sense of the instinctual nature,
then sometimes you are outside of your own cycles rather than in them".

"The cycles are birth, light, and energy, and then depletion, decline, and death.
Then incubation and new life comes. Cycles, that is how we are supposed to meet everything," she emphasized.
"Our children, our work, our lovers - everything goes through that cycle. There is the time to say that is enough, to incubate, and then to come back with new energy and new life again.

"And when a woman is in that mystical and practical sensibility called the instinctual nature,
then she knows when it is time to make things live and time to let things die", she says.

So, maybe this whole rejection-of-christmas-thing is part of a huge cycle.
Like my moods and menstrual cycles and the moon and sun and seasons and planetary elements.
And it's up to me to judge when it's time to let that tradition
incubate
or live
or die
or come into rebirth.

Not to jump on the holiday celebration bandwagon is to risk
being considered a "scrooge", "grumpy" or
a million other
judgmental labels.
But fortunately I've learned not be
concerned about
what others think.
I had to let go of people-pleasing to preserve myself a few years back.

Pinkola Estés affirms this for me when she says

"The injunction in our culture is to 'be perfect,' which is ridiculous, impossible, and not only that - it is boring!
Perfection means that you have to be totally still, that nothing can ever change.
To live that way would be disastrous."

I love moving
I hate being totally still
I hate consistency - it's the last refuge of the unimaginative (Oscar Wilde)

A few final words of advice from Pinkola Estés:

1) Be friendly but never tame.
2) Misbehave with integrity.
3) Don't let the bastards grind you down!


Rock on sister.

Thoughts on Christmas

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. Maybe for everyone else, but not for this conscious questioning chick.

How do I feel about the holidays? I feel a sense of obligation chased by a sense of failure. There’s this urgency to comply that brings on rebellion and hopelessness.

There is no other time of the year when I feel forced into feeling or behaving a certain way. Most of the year, I’m able to just be me – to not have to conform to another’s expectations. “The most wonderful time of the year” is mandated, compulsory even, if you care about being mainstream.

At this time of year, it is an official requirement to find pleasure in the tiny lights sucking away our electricity, the Hallmark greetings printed with toxic inks, the death of millions of pine, spruce and balsam trees and the tinsel that causes intestinal distress for innocent cats and dogs.

I’m conflicted. I’m marinating in oodles of moral duty. At the same time, I'm angry at being told what to do. Feeling compelled to comply with this holiday that sets up a system of debt. This holiday where expectations abound. Expectations to give freely, to receive openly, to keep tabs on who did what for who and who owes whom what.

At the same time, I’m bound to refrain, to withhold, to stop feeling sad, despite the reality of my Bipolar Disorder which is magnified by Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Even Santa Claus insists.
“You better not shout,
you better not cry,
you better not pout,
I’m telling you why…”

Even Santa Claus is ready to punish me for my feelings and behaviour.
“You better be good for goodness sake”.

I suppose I should just go along with it, and believe what the songs tell me.

But how can I? Cause here’s the truth.

“All is calm” (only with lithium and copious amounts of self-medicating)
“All is bright” (only with my SAD light).

What’s the consequence for not fulfilling this Christmas contract? Having people think I don’t love them. Suddenly consciousness and having a mind of my own is equated to love.


Happy holidays, I guess.

Sunday Scribblings #30 - Dance (Nia)

There could be no better post topic for Sunday Scribblings today than this - dance has given me new life.

Specifically, Nia has given me life. Nia, meaning "with purpose" in Swahili, has awakened my body's way.

Nia, a spirited blend of dance, martial arts, and healing arts, is not a "work out". No, it's more of a "play in". Don't get me wrong - it's not just a an unstructured free-for-all. It's challenging, but not in the militaristic body punishing way that many physical activities are. It's intelligent body movement, and it has transformed me.

How can I help you understand Nia better? Hmmm... well, it's comparable to the pleasure of silky melt-in-your-mouth chocolate, the release that comes from a deep warm gooey massage, the way a softly worn t-shirt caresses your skin, the deep bone chills you get the instant you realize you're loved, and the relief of coming in from the cold, wet rain.



Best of all is that, for me, Nia offers the safety I can only usually find beneath my heavy down duvet.

I've written recently about my experience of living life with Bipolar Disorder. Nia has played an enormous role in my healing journey and continues to be my most reliable wellness management strategy.

When my mental health started declining in 2004, I used exercise to cope. Actually, I over-used exercise and became addicted to it, compelled to engage in it. My passion for exercise began quite innocently, with the occasional short run or trip to the gym. Before long, running to and from the gym became the routine.

Gradually, however, I began challenging myself and soon enough created a network of people who enjoyed physical fitness and fed my growing preoccupation. I pushed myself to keep up with this athletic crowd. Eventually I came to rely on the thrill and escape from the feelings of unworthiness that physical fitness offered. There was nothing like that assurance of a burst of vitality that came from every bench press, soccer kick, stroke in the pool, pushing off of my foot on the pavement, revolution of my bike wheel, puck/stick contact and downward dog.

Over time, my well-being depended on more and more exercise, and I began to equate my worth with the growing number of hours spent exercising. Physical activity was a dependable, predictable, and reliable partner in my life, and was there when major stressors and life changes came about. It helped me cope with the transformational identity-crisis-causing turmoil of marriage, the death of a loved one, job changes, and this serious turn in my mental health.

Like any dependency, my relationship with exercise soon became quite a dysfunctional one. It began poisoning my sense of priority, occupied my thoughts, and kept me from sleeping and eating. I began to have “moving meals” (on my bicycle) had became fixated with excessive physical activity. Predictably, next came the diagnosis of anorexia (or exercise bulimia, depending on who I talked to), followed by osteoporosis, stress fractures, and iron and Vitamin D deficiencies.

Then I found Nia. At first, it was difficult for me to accept this body-loving movement practice. I only knew about the "no pain no gain" mantra, and was taken aback by the "all gain without the pain" way of moving. Initially seeking a way to get more exercise, I enrolled for a Nia teacher training intensive. It wasn't long before all the self-abusive forms of exercise in my life appealed to me less and less and Nia called to me more and more.

Through Nia I was introduced to a community of people who were not there to “exercise” – they were there to embody the “joy of life” through dance. Without being conscious of it, I was learning break the cycle of numbness that I had been putting my body through with all that demanding body-punishing exercise.

Nia, this intellectually stimulating, spiritually based and fun type of movement practice soon began to penetrate my very being. I learned of the wellness and restorative potential in the movement-music connection. As my body became more alive through my Nia practice, I could physically feel the energy flow and magic that engulfed and fulfilled me.

In finding Nia, I let go of perfectionism which allowed my unique movement style to flourish. Nia has enabled me to find all my basic energy needs of movement, music and magic through one practice. The ties to spirituality, healing, dance, and martial arts that this practice offers has given me a nearly indescribable gift.

Through my practice and teaching, I've learned to listen to and respect my body in a way I had never experienced before. Now when I exercise, I am much more aware. I dance, I have fun, and I’m part of a community that emphasizes happiness and self-directed wellness over skill or physique. Now that I focus on sensation rather than results, my body has come home to itself, my body image has vastly improved, and I have managed to make my eating disorder a thing of the past.


So, you see, an integral part of my treatment for anorexia and bipolar disorder has been Nia. Nia has not only gave me a focus and kept me connected, but has helped my self confidence, and allows me to be fully present during physical activity. It has vastly improved my body image, taught me about self-compassion and has rendered my eating disorder a thing of the past. I am also grateful to Nia for mood management. I can find balance, creativity and healthy expressive outlets through my daily practice and work with students. I can live my life, knowing that I still have bipolar, but because of Nia, have faith that I can make healthy choices about coping.

Here's some YouTube footage you may want to take a look at to see classes in action:

From Nia International - A promotional video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TopWOpFXD_4

From Germany, this one offers a good at-a-glance understanding of the
Nia class experience
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQNPZdXtc0k

Have I inspired you to try a class?

Look at these websites for scheduling information where you are!

Nia International
Nia Canada
My Nia schedule in Toronto

Air

I wrote these a few weeks back. A friend of mine, Naomi Laufer, runs a group called "Poetry in Motion". It's a movement and writing group, hosted by 6 St. Joseph House.

6 St. Joseph House is a resource for individuals who are at a crossroads in their lives, and to develop more creative and compassionate ways of responding to the challenges of livelihood and homelessness.

Operating out of a Victorian townhouse at Yonge and Wellesley, they hope that 6 St. Joseph House will become a working model of community for a more compassionate City of Toronto.

In any case, the theme for the day was "Air". So here's what my movement inspired me to write:


#1

Lift off
Take flight
You'd don't battle gravity anymore
No ties, weightless, buoyant and free
Your direction unplanned
Your path not paved
Go ahead, release into uncertainty
There is something
It beckons; waiting, hoping
Succumb and find ease
Be taken and guided
Let it, allow it, feel it
It is in you
It is you
Air.





#2

I exhale warm recycled air
I'm giving it back
I don't need it any longer
A warm rush of heat leaves my nostrils
My next breath used to belong to someone or something else
What an honour to use it, to share it.
I'm taking it in so that my mitochondria get fed
Sometimes it tumbles out of my mouth noisily
Thankfully I don't need to think
About air all the time
I can use it without permission
And I don't have to justify to anyone just what I'm doing with it
Just like every other being,
I subsist because of air
I speak
I laugh
I sigh
I release
I am air
Thank you air.

Sunday Scribblings #29 - Competition

Engaging in an "I'm better than you" society,
we define ourselves in relation to masculinity.
Instead, why not get down and relate to the earth?
Then get up and flow with the rhythm of the cosmos.

SHE begs us.
Stop.
SHE knows it's not working.
Simultaneously, She pleads and shows us better ways.
Wait.

Dividing and conquering.
Plummeting self-esteem.
Not measuring up.
Worse, growing conceited.

SHE works with Her to model something more gentle,
more sensible.
Try again.
Inventing an artifical way, from above SHE sees what we can't.
"Look up" SHE says.
"Down here" She echoes.

THEY know.
That we can be whole within ourselves.
That we don't need to walk around incomplete.
Waiting, hoping, yearning for the opportunity to prove and complete ourselves
through competition.

"WE can ground and lift you.
You will be whole.
Listen."

The lunar and solar eyes of the cosmos.
The earthy ears of the land and sea.
At the moment, they are perplexed.
Why, when our toes massage Her,
and our fingers tickle HER,
and we are suspended between THEM
do we fight
THEIR ways?

We are THEY, THEY are we.

THEY coexist in ethereal consciousness.

Waning,
sprouting,
disseminating,
seeding,
flowering
and
growing.


Supple, muted phases.
SHE offers and She receives,
living in a symbiotic rhythm.

THEY remind us to weave into networks.
"You are global citizens", SHE says.
"Step curiously, not offensively", She advises.
"Dynamic cooperation is the challenge for the compassionate acceleration of evolution", SHE states.
"Emergence of gifts comes from sharing of souls", She promises.

"A cooperative intention is the universal desire", THEY tell us.
"Only by sharing your strengths will you lift your common purpose", THEY advise.

MOTHER MOON
and
Mother Earth
speak the truth.

Cooperation
not
competition.